Revelation

I need to journal. I don't like writing because my hand starts to hurt. Today was difficult. I am weaning off prozac towards a med-free life. Prozac numbs me. I need to heal and I cant when I am numb. But it's scary....But God connected me with Laura through Jim through Jaimie....and I received the messages I needed to endure on this day, with hope. I am so overwhelmed in awe of Him right now. He is SO GOOD. Thank you thank you thank you LORD. I am unworthy and You loved me anyway. You called me to be Your child, LORD, and I will forever praise Your Name. My life is Yours. I am so in love with You.

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been thinking carefully about what to write or not to write. I hope to be back soon with some interesting material. :) Happy New Year!

The rock wall suffers a bit from the chipmunks. They borough tunnels throughout our landscaping. Among the ruins, a family of bees has found the perfect place to make their home. My husband thinks the bees are perhaps suffering from nictotine withdrawals, so he throws his cigarettes butts - still smoking - in the entrance of their hive. It has begun to look like a giant ashtray. He wants to extinguish the nest entirely, but he's too scared to get close. He carries an epi-pen and throws his cigarette butts instead.

I warn people to steer clear from the bees. I feel it's their earth too and I would very much prefer to live in harmony with God's creatures. It seems humanity is hell bent on destroying any living thing that encroaches into their personal space and is deemed an annoyance. I will be the first to admit that I have murdered mosquitoes, fly, ticks and fleas. But I feel bad about it - I really do!

I smile as I watch the bees fly in and out of the hive. They are extremely busy and it seems they never stop working. As long as we don't bother them, they pay no mind to us. I stand there and radiate love to the bees, letting them know they're accepted by me. I believe they feel it.

You are Loved

Today I decided to change the name of this blog from 'Lessons for Shianne' to 'Dear Shianne.' I decided that I would try to write everyday and that the entries would be more focused on me writing to you rather than me writing for you.

Today I had a therapy session that was difficult for me. I always want to do what is best for you, and often I fall short. Gramma told me that you mentioned that you felt you had no daddy, and that broke my heart. Grandma even cried, and I haven't seen her cry often in my life.

I want you to know that Papa loves you very much, and I can imagine it's hard being a step-dad. He wants to raise you with good morals and values and since you two are very alike, it seems you argue a lot lately. But I think I understand what you meant when you told Grandma that, and I just felt very sad for you. Every little girl wants to be the apple of her daddy's eye, and wants to feel like daddy's special girl. Trust me, you are very special to your father and to papa. I know they may have fallen short in areas, but it's because we're all just human. I am sure I have fallen short as your mother.

Lately I really beat myself up when I fall a few steps back, and I get real down on myself. I have very high expectations as your mother. You are a special gift from God. I love you so very much, Shianne. I look forward to spending time with you tomorrow, after you clean your room. Thank you for doing your chores today, and for being patient with me in NYC yesterday. :-)

All That Matters is God's View

I had a revelation yesterday while sitting in my car on a beautiful, brisk, sunny morning at the Institute of Living in Hartford. For too long I have lived trying to please people and keep everyone from being mad at me. I have often compromised my own morals in order not to upset friends or family or just folks in general. I found that people-pleasing left me feeling like crap, especially when I did something I knew was wrong in God's view. It's been hard for me to set boundaries with people. I often feel bad for upsetting anyone.

An event occurred yesterday that made me realize I am always going to do what Jesus would do, despite what people think. My therapist said "so you're going to be a rebel?" Yes, I am. Because I cannot care about worldly things and Godly things at the same time. It's one or the other. And I choose God. Society goes against many Godly morals and values but I find I feel better when I do the "right" thing verses what people think is right. God is transforming my heart into the image of His son. I am astonished at the changes in myself everyday and I feel really good about my decision to be a rebel.

Changing Direction

I have not posted a blog in a while. I am not even sure if the things I write would qualify as a "blog." Perhaps this is more of an online journal. My mind is unbalanced as of late. Today I am going to look into an intensive outpatient program through a local hospital. I feel overwhelmed with life and completely unable to cope.

In August of 2010 I came to believe in God, the almighty creator of the universe. In September I began to attend a non-denominational Christian church. I began to really learn about the bible and Jesus. I love everything I have learned about Jesus and I want to devote my life to living as He instructed. I am also interested in Buddha. I have really been struggling with religion and people. I think a lot of Christians misinterpret the bible and their misinterpretations leave me feeling like I would rather get to know God on my own. Many Christians seem so judgmental and unloving and freely express their opinions on who is going to eternal hell and who is going to heaven. I think so many have misunderstood the bible and Jesus and I want to research this further. In the meantime, I am going to continue to pray for God to soften my heart towards people that annoy me. I don't want people to keep me from learning about the bible by attending church. Clearly I need to pray more...

I am also thinking about the people of Japan who have suffered terrible loss after the earthquake and tsunami. My thoughts are with them.

Depression

I have really been struggling lately. Most people would look at my life and think "what's the problem?" but it seems I am just not good at coping with daily life. I feel so broken. I thought I was stronger after finding faith in God but obviously I'm not. Although I know God's truths I just can't seem to have enough faith and trust in Him. I feel I am terribly disappointing to God, my family, and my friends. I thought I had overcome depression but it came back ten fold. I can't seem to do even the smallest things, like cleaning my house and making dinner. I suppose it's time to go back on medication while I work through my issues. It's clear I cannot contain my angry outbursts. No one knows how to help me. When I seek advice from my husband and my friends it just seems to make me worse. Today I feel like isolating myself; crawling into my bed and never coming out.