Struggles of a New Christian

It seems lately I have been struggling with my faith. I have been a believer for 7 months. It all started when I decided to make some real changes in my lifestyle. I wanted to quit taking medications for depression and anxiety since no matter what medication I tried, none seemed to give me the happiness and peace I was seeking. Medication seemed to make things worse for me. The side effects were usually fatigue. It was hard enough getting daily things accomplished; feeling like a zombie with never enough sleep didn't help.

I clearly remember thinking about God, and wondering if He did really exist. In the past when I came off medication, I ended up hospitalized with suicidal tendencies. I was so afraid to fall apart again. I cried out to the universe, saying that if God really did exist, I needed to know and I needed His help. It was then I found Him: Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul."

I've been medication free since that time. For a while, everything was wonderful. I came to know God and His love for me, and I felt like I had just fallen in love. I couldn't stop talking about God and proclaiming His love to everyone I encountered. At times I would slip back into my old way of thinking, but God kept bringing me back to Him.

And then some trials came. Mind you, my trials are nothing huge compared to what some people are suffering through. First it was an incident at work that renewed past trauma in my life. Then a dear friend stopped speaking to me because I said things that were unwelcoming and perhaps less than loving. Now my marriage is being tested. I must admit, it's hard changing unhealthy thoughts and habits. I am embarrassed to admit that although I have given my life to the Lord, I have not been able to quit smoking cigarettes. I felt compelled to go preach the good news about God to help others in need. But it seems I should be preaching to myself.

Matthew 7:3 states "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Clearly I had several telephone poles in my own eyes to remove before I could go around helping others to improve their issues. I am learning to be quieter and to simply listen. It's hard for someone with my personality. 

Today I am struggling. I apologized to my friend for saying things that hurt her. In the end, I decided to remove her from my friends list on Facebook. I don't know if that decision was right, but I felt I needed to do it because I wasn't comfortable posting things, thinking she was reading my posts and judging me in anger. I have thought of leaving my husband, to go back to a simple life of living in an apartment where life seemed less stressful. (What's all the hype about home ownership, anyway?) I am very aware of what the bible says about divorce. I am happy to report that my husband and I are going to seek marriage counseling. I am contemplating going back on medication. For some reason, my mind just cannot seem to handle daily life. Maybe I thrive on always being in the midst of drama and crisis mode. I don't have all the answers. The events of the past few weeks and how I have been handling them reminds me I have baby faith. In the midst of my storms, I forget God's Truth or I forget how to apply it to my life and thoughts. 

Sometimes I even let the thought creep in that maybe it is all a lie, that we created a God just to make life easier and more comforting. But I know that's a lie. God has touched my life and revealed Himself to me. There's no denying it's the Truth. I have decided I am also going to be very careful of whom I go to for advice. I have learned that just because someone is Christian, doesn't mean they should be a mentor. I am finding many religions and Christians to be entirely off base. 

My future seems scary at times, but fear is not from God. Today I am putting all my hope in Him. I know that with God, all things are possible. I know what the bible says about me and my life, and I am choosing to believe these things. Otherwise I find myself hopeless and scared. I'm so tired of living in fear, feeling rejected by people and never living up to my own or anyone's expectations of me. 

God is good. He will never leave me or forsake me, even when I don't deserve His love, He never stops loving me. I am so thankful for Him, His son Jesus Christ, and for all the wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon me. I am going to make a conscious effort to spend more quiet time with God everyday, as I need His guidance in every aspect of my life, for every little or big decision I make. Left to my own thoughts and feelings, I have the ability to really make a mess. Praise God for His Love, Mercy, and Grace. Amen.

God Is Not Guilt or Shame

Lately the target of many Christian religions has been to condemn gay people and women having abortions. As a believer and follower of Christ, the treatment of His people in the name of God saddens me deeply. God loves gay people just as He loves women who have had abortions. Jesus has called us to love everyone, regardless of their sins. In all honesty, I have heard many people condemn gays, especially homosexual males.

In my opinion, God is more focused on the intent behind the sin. Two males or two females that are in love, and are loving toward one another in a relationship - how is that a sin??? I have read all the homosexual references in the bible, and to me it seems to be the actual act of sexual relations between same sex couples that is considered the sin. That being said, I know heterosexual people that engage in sexual acts that would be considered sinful according to the bible.

The bible states that passing judgment onto another human is a sin. So be careful not to judge other people's sins when you yourself are a sinner in one way or another. Jesus calls us simply to love one another, and to forgive others sins since we are forgiven for all our sins through Christ.

Matthew 7

 ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.    ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version, ©2010)

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
 ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^{[a] 38} This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^{[b] 40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Home is Where Your Heart Is

It's dark, musty, and damp. Upstairs the sound of loud pop music filters through the ceiling. I can hear people talking and laughing. Everyone is drinking and most of them are drunk. At this point I am intoxicated myself. What I just heard sent me running scared into the basement. It's a dark corner and I'm crying. Huddled into a ball and sobbing like a child, rocking myself for comfort. I feel so hurt, so betrayed. Could what I have just heard be true?

Minutes earlier he was in the bathroom with a very attractive woman. They were in the bathroom, a loud clang, and then muffled giggling. What is happening? My mind immediately kicks into overdrive. Am I just being insecure and am I too drunk to analyze this situation correctly? The answer is yes, and yes.

Crying and crying, feeling foolish and asking to simply go home. I want to go home. Someone finds me in the corner and asks if I'm ok. No, I'm not ok. This isn't the life I wanted. What am I doing? Who are these people anyway? "I want to go home." He tells me I am home. He thinks I must be too drunk to realize where I am. I'm not. I just want my safe place. I call it home. I have no idea where home is, but I want to go there....

The sad truth is I've never had a safe place. Until now. I am finally home. And I love it here.

You are LOVED!

This morning God put it on my heart to share this wonderful message of His love for you. He wants every person to know how special each one of us really is, and I think the following letter did a terrific job of capturing bible scripture in one succinct message. My hope is that you would read this with an open heart and mind and allow this amazing love to become your reality!

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/

Great Verse to Remember

Love is Patient; Love is Kind (King James Version; 31 Corinthians 13)

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

New International Version

1 Corinthains 13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or aclanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Letter to my Friend

I am glad to see your posts - you seem very positive, and that's important. Too often I see how "the system" doesn't work - I mean, people staying clean and staying out of jail. No one teaches people HOW to stay clean by getting to the ROOT of the addictions, the cause behind the behavior. If the system did a better job of doing that, the cycle within people would be broken and everyone would know they are good and can live with pure happiness.

I will pray for you everyday to find the power within - because I know you can do it. BELIEVE everyday that you can and will, because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

The thing about AA meetings is that they teach about having a higher power. I believe what would be more effective is if they actually taught WHO that higher power is and how much He loves you and wants you to have a fulfilling life of happiness.

You've heard God is good and God is love - for many people (myself included) it didn't make sense. I thought how can God be good when He punishes me, allows people to have terrible diseases and tragic things to occur. What I learned is - that is not God. God does not do those things.

When we start finding things out about who God really is and how applying His word can transform our lives - it's amazing. I will pray for you to find this amazing inner strength because once you do ALL great things are possible and it would heal you, allowing you to finally be free from addiction, forever.

Don't allow the religious people we've met along the way, who may have judged us, to allow those experiences to shape our idea of who God is - because like I said, God is love. If it's not love and goodness, if it doesn't leave you with a good feeling, IT IS NOT GOD.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas and remember Jesus died for us because through Him we stand before God as perfect humans that never did a single thing wrong. We can forgive ourselves for messing up, because God forgives us.

The TRUTH really does set you FREE.

My Christmas Wish

My heart breaks for what breaks our Creator's heart. Please, spread His love. This Christmas, make a commitment to be a bright light in this broken world. Love one another. Forgive, and Love.