I realized my blog won't be 'real' until I figure out exactly what I want to focus on, meaning the overall theme. At this point my thoughts are completely random and unorganized. I also need to figure out my audience. If I talk about Jesus and God and quote the bible, will I lose the people that don't hold the same beliefs? I really need to figure out what I am going to focus on here...hmmmm...
Maybe for now my blog is more of an online journal. Bear with me, I will figure it out. I really feel God is calling me to share my stories so that in some way I can help others with similar struggles. There are two voices in my head and it totally reminds me of the old cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. One voice is saying to write a book about my life, and the other is saying that's stupid, no one cares or will read what I have to say. I find it odd that several people over the course of my twenties have told me I should write a book. A sign or coincidence? I will continue to seek answers and in the meantime I will blog.
The thing about a book is that it won't always be pretty or 'easy' to read, especially for the people in my life who have had a lot of influence (my parents, siblings, etc). I would have to be 100% honest and do it with love. This is hard because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe I just have a disclaimer up front: "You may not like what you're about to read, and you may not agree with my perspective or point of view. But please know I hold no ill feelings, I don't place blame, and I love you very much. My memories may not be accurate but they are mine - perception is reality."
That made me think of something - my husband says I always twist his words. I don't mean to, it's just that I hear what I hear. Perception really does create one's reality. For so long my perception has been tainted by evil voices in my head. I am trying everyday to stop listening to "the devil" and instead listen to the "voice of truth." It's a hard transition and I expect it will take years of undoing. The voice that tells me "you're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough...you're not a good mother, wife, employee, sister, friend....you're worthless and no one even likes you." I hate that guy!! He makes me feel like crap. I only realized recently I have control over these voices. I can choose to replace the mean thoughts with what I call "God" thoughts or that my friend refers to as "Jesus Mode."
I hope I can teach this wisdom to my daughter. I know all too well how around 12 years old your view of the world and your view of yourself starts to change. I was 12 when I became depressed. I was 12 when I started smoking and doing drugs. Looking back, twelve was the pivotal age for me - the beginning of severe depression, suicide attempts, obsessions with men, lots of abuse, drinking, drugs....I experienced so many terrible things between the ages of 12 and 16. And sadly I didn't get better until I was 31 years old. So many things still lingered, but most of all those mean thoughts kept eating me up inside. I still struggle but I am happy to report I now have more good days than bad. I pray and pray everyday for God's word and for God's wisdom. I don't want my daughter to be depressed or to abuse drugs (I hear they both run in the family.) She has so much potential (just like I did).
Today is Shianne's 12th birthday. I hope I am not too late.
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