Depression

I have really been struggling lately. Most people would look at my life and think "what's the problem?" but it seems I am just not good at coping with daily life. I feel so broken. I thought I was stronger after finding faith in God but obviously I'm not. Although I know God's truths I just can't seem to have enough faith and trust in Him. I feel I am terribly disappointing to God, my family, and my friends. I thought I had overcome depression but it came back ten fold. I can't seem to do even the smallest things, like cleaning my house and making dinner. I suppose it's time to go back on medication while I work through my issues. It's clear I cannot contain my angry outbursts. No one knows how to help me. When I seek advice from my husband and my friends it just seems to make me worse. Today I feel like isolating myself; crawling into my bed and never coming out.

Struggles of a New Christian

It seems lately I have been struggling with my faith. I have been a believer for 7 months. It all started when I decided to make some real changes in my lifestyle. I wanted to quit taking medications for depression and anxiety since no matter what medication I tried, none seemed to give me the happiness and peace I was seeking. Medication seemed to make things worse for me. The side effects were usually fatigue. It was hard enough getting daily things accomplished; feeling like a zombie with never enough sleep didn't help.

I clearly remember thinking about God, and wondering if He did really exist. In the past when I came off medication, I ended up hospitalized with suicidal tendencies. I was so afraid to fall apart again. I cried out to the universe, saying that if God really did exist, I needed to know and I needed His help. It was then I found Him: Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul."

I've been medication free since that time. For a while, everything was wonderful. I came to know God and His love for me, and I felt like I had just fallen in love. I couldn't stop talking about God and proclaiming His love to everyone I encountered. At times I would slip back into my old way of thinking, but God kept bringing me back to Him.

And then some trials came. Mind you, my trials are nothing huge compared to what some people are suffering through. First it was an incident at work that renewed past trauma in my life. Then a dear friend stopped speaking to me because I said things that were unwelcoming and perhaps less than loving. Now my marriage is being tested. I must admit, it's hard changing unhealthy thoughts and habits. I am embarrassed to admit that although I have given my life to the Lord, I have not been able to quit smoking cigarettes. I felt compelled to go preach the good news about God to help others in need. But it seems I should be preaching to myself.

Matthew 7:3 states "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Clearly I had several telephone poles in my own eyes to remove before I could go around helping others to improve their issues. I am learning to be quieter and to simply listen. It's hard for someone with my personality. 

Today I am struggling. I apologized to my friend for saying things that hurt her. In the end, I decided to remove her from my friends list on Facebook. I don't know if that decision was right, but I felt I needed to do it because I wasn't comfortable posting things, thinking she was reading my posts and judging me in anger. I have thought of leaving my husband, to go back to a simple life of living in an apartment where life seemed less stressful. (What's all the hype about home ownership, anyway?) I am very aware of what the bible says about divorce. I am happy to report that my husband and I are going to seek marriage counseling. I am contemplating going back on medication. For some reason, my mind just cannot seem to handle daily life. Maybe I thrive on always being in the midst of drama and crisis mode. I don't have all the answers. The events of the past few weeks and how I have been handling them reminds me I have baby faith. In the midst of my storms, I forget God's Truth or I forget how to apply it to my life and thoughts. 

Sometimes I even let the thought creep in that maybe it is all a lie, that we created a God just to make life easier and more comforting. But I know that's a lie. God has touched my life and revealed Himself to me. There's no denying it's the Truth. I have decided I am also going to be very careful of whom I go to for advice. I have learned that just because someone is Christian, doesn't mean they should be a mentor. I am finding many religions and Christians to be entirely off base. 

My future seems scary at times, but fear is not from God. Today I am putting all my hope in Him. I know that with God, all things are possible. I know what the bible says about me and my life, and I am choosing to believe these things. Otherwise I find myself hopeless and scared. I'm so tired of living in fear, feeling rejected by people and never living up to my own or anyone's expectations of me. 

God is good. He will never leave me or forsake me, even when I don't deserve His love, He never stops loving me. I am so thankful for Him, His son Jesus Christ, and for all the wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon me. I am going to make a conscious effort to spend more quiet time with God everyday, as I need His guidance in every aspect of my life, for every little or big decision I make. Left to my own thoughts and feelings, I have the ability to really make a mess. Praise God for His Love, Mercy, and Grace. Amen.