The rock wall suffers a bit from the chipmunks. They borough tunnels throughout our landscaping. Among the ruins, a family of bees has found the perfect place to make their home. My husband thinks the bees are perhaps suffering from nictotine withdrawals, so he throws his cigarettes butts - still smoking - in the entrance of their hive. It has begun to look like a giant ashtray. He wants to extinguish the nest entirely, but he's too scared to get close. He carries an epi-pen and throws his cigarette butts instead.

I warn people to steer clear from the bees. I feel it's their earth too and I would very much prefer to live in harmony with God's creatures. It seems humanity is hell bent on destroying any living thing that encroaches into their personal space and is deemed an annoyance. I will be the first to admit that I have murdered mosquitoes, fly, ticks and fleas. But I feel bad about it - I really do!

I smile as I watch the bees fly in and out of the hive. They are extremely busy and it seems they never stop working. As long as we don't bother them, they pay no mind to us. I stand there and radiate love to the bees, letting them know they're accepted by me. I believe they feel it.

You are Loved

Today I decided to change the name of this blog from 'Lessons for Shianne' to 'Dear Shianne.' I decided that I would try to write everyday and that the entries would be more focused on me writing to you rather than me writing for you.

Today I had a therapy session that was difficult for me. I always want to do what is best for you, and often I fall short. Gramma told me that you mentioned that you felt you had no daddy, and that broke my heart. Grandma even cried, and I haven't seen her cry often in my life.

I want you to know that Papa loves you very much, and I can imagine it's hard being a step-dad. He wants to raise you with good morals and values and since you two are very alike, it seems you argue a lot lately. But I think I understand what you meant when you told Grandma that, and I just felt very sad for you. Every little girl wants to be the apple of her daddy's eye, and wants to feel like daddy's special girl. Trust me, you are very special to your father and to papa. I know they may have fallen short in areas, but it's because we're all just human. I am sure I have fallen short as your mother.

Lately I really beat myself up when I fall a few steps back, and I get real down on myself. I have very high expectations as your mother. You are a special gift from God. I love you so very much, Shianne. I look forward to spending time with you tomorrow, after you clean your room. Thank you for doing your chores today, and for being patient with me in NYC yesterday. :-)

All That Matters is God's View

I had a revelation yesterday while sitting in my car on a beautiful, brisk, sunny morning at the Institute of Living in Hartford. For too long I have lived trying to please people and keep everyone from being mad at me. I have often compromised my own morals in order not to upset friends or family or just folks in general. I found that people-pleasing left me feeling like crap, especially when I did something I knew was wrong in God's view. It's been hard for me to set boundaries with people. I often feel bad for upsetting anyone.

An event occurred yesterday that made me realize I am always going to do what Jesus would do, despite what people think. My therapist said "so you're going to be a rebel?" Yes, I am. Because I cannot care about worldly things and Godly things at the same time. It's one or the other. And I choose God. Society goes against many Godly morals and values but I find I feel better when I do the "right" thing verses what people think is right. God is transforming my heart into the image of His son. I am astonished at the changes in myself everyday and I feel really good about my decision to be a rebel.

Changing Direction

I have not posted a blog in a while. I am not even sure if the things I write would qualify as a "blog." Perhaps this is more of an online journal. My mind is unbalanced as of late. Today I am going to look into an intensive outpatient program through a local hospital. I feel overwhelmed with life and completely unable to cope.

In August of 2010 I came to believe in God, the almighty creator of the universe. In September I began to attend a non-denominational Christian church. I began to really learn about the bible and Jesus. I love everything I have learned about Jesus and I want to devote my life to living as He instructed. I am also interested in Buddha. I have really been struggling with religion and people. I think a lot of Christians misinterpret the bible and their misinterpretations leave me feeling like I would rather get to know God on my own. Many Christians seem so judgmental and unloving and freely express their opinions on who is going to eternal hell and who is going to heaven. I think so many have misunderstood the bible and Jesus and I want to research this further. In the meantime, I am going to continue to pray for God to soften my heart towards people that annoy me. I don't want people to keep me from learning about the bible by attending church. Clearly I need to pray more...

I am also thinking about the people of Japan who have suffered terrible loss after the earthquake and tsunami. My thoughts are with them.

Depression

I have really been struggling lately. Most people would look at my life and think "what's the problem?" but it seems I am just not good at coping with daily life. I feel so broken. I thought I was stronger after finding faith in God but obviously I'm not. Although I know God's truths I just can't seem to have enough faith and trust in Him. I feel I am terribly disappointing to God, my family, and my friends. I thought I had overcome depression but it came back ten fold. I can't seem to do even the smallest things, like cleaning my house and making dinner. I suppose it's time to go back on medication while I work through my issues. It's clear I cannot contain my angry outbursts. No one knows how to help me. When I seek advice from my husband and my friends it just seems to make me worse. Today I feel like isolating myself; crawling into my bed and never coming out.

Struggles of a New Christian

It seems lately I have been struggling with my faith. I have been a believer for 7 months. It all started when I decided to make some real changes in my lifestyle. I wanted to quit taking medications for depression and anxiety since no matter what medication I tried, none seemed to give me the happiness and peace I was seeking. Medication seemed to make things worse for me. The side effects were usually fatigue. It was hard enough getting daily things accomplished; feeling like a zombie with never enough sleep didn't help.

I clearly remember thinking about God, and wondering if He did really exist. In the past when I came off medication, I ended up hospitalized with suicidal tendencies. I was so afraid to fall apart again. I cried out to the universe, saying that if God really did exist, I needed to know and I needed His help. It was then I found Him: Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul."

I've been medication free since that time. For a while, everything was wonderful. I came to know God and His love for me, and I felt like I had just fallen in love. I couldn't stop talking about God and proclaiming His love to everyone I encountered. At times I would slip back into my old way of thinking, but God kept bringing me back to Him.

And then some trials came. Mind you, my trials are nothing huge compared to what some people are suffering through. First it was an incident at work that renewed past trauma in my life. Then a dear friend stopped speaking to me because I said things that were unwelcoming and perhaps less than loving. Now my marriage is being tested. I must admit, it's hard changing unhealthy thoughts and habits. I am embarrassed to admit that although I have given my life to the Lord, I have not been able to quit smoking cigarettes. I felt compelled to go preach the good news about God to help others in need. But it seems I should be preaching to myself.

Matthew 7:3 states "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Clearly I had several telephone poles in my own eyes to remove before I could go around helping others to improve their issues. I am learning to be quieter and to simply listen. It's hard for someone with my personality. 

Today I am struggling. I apologized to my friend for saying things that hurt her. In the end, I decided to remove her from my friends list on Facebook. I don't know if that decision was right, but I felt I needed to do it because I wasn't comfortable posting things, thinking she was reading my posts and judging me in anger. I have thought of leaving my husband, to go back to a simple life of living in an apartment where life seemed less stressful. (What's all the hype about home ownership, anyway?) I am very aware of what the bible says about divorce. I am happy to report that my husband and I are going to seek marriage counseling. I am contemplating going back on medication. For some reason, my mind just cannot seem to handle daily life. Maybe I thrive on always being in the midst of drama and crisis mode. I don't have all the answers. The events of the past few weeks and how I have been handling them reminds me I have baby faith. In the midst of my storms, I forget God's Truth or I forget how to apply it to my life and thoughts. 

Sometimes I even let the thought creep in that maybe it is all a lie, that we created a God just to make life easier and more comforting. But I know that's a lie. God has touched my life and revealed Himself to me. There's no denying it's the Truth. I have decided I am also going to be very careful of whom I go to for advice. I have learned that just because someone is Christian, doesn't mean they should be a mentor. I am finding many religions and Christians to be entirely off base. 

My future seems scary at times, but fear is not from God. Today I am putting all my hope in Him. I know that with God, all things are possible. I know what the bible says about me and my life, and I am choosing to believe these things. Otherwise I find myself hopeless and scared. I'm so tired of living in fear, feeling rejected by people and never living up to my own or anyone's expectations of me. 

God is good. He will never leave me or forsake me, even when I don't deserve His love, He never stops loving me. I am so thankful for Him, His son Jesus Christ, and for all the wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon me. I am going to make a conscious effort to spend more quiet time with God everyday, as I need His guidance in every aspect of my life, for every little or big decision I make. Left to my own thoughts and feelings, I have the ability to really make a mess. Praise God for His Love, Mercy, and Grace. Amen.

God Is Not Guilt or Shame

Lately the target of many Christian religions has been to condemn gay people and women having abortions. As a believer and follower of Christ, the treatment of His people in the name of God saddens me deeply. God loves gay people just as He loves women who have had abortions. Jesus has called us to love everyone, regardless of their sins. In all honesty, I have heard many people condemn gays, especially homosexual males.

In my opinion, God is more focused on the intent behind the sin. Two males or two females that are in love, and are loving toward one another in a relationship - how is that a sin??? I have read all the homosexual references in the bible, and to me it seems to be the actual act of sexual relations between same sex couples that is considered the sin. That being said, I know heterosexual people that engage in sexual acts that would be considered sinful according to the bible.

The bible states that passing judgment onto another human is a sin. So be careful not to judge other people's sins when you yourself are a sinner in one way or another. Jesus calls us simply to love one another, and to forgive others sins since we are forgiven for all our sins through Christ.

Matthew 7

 ¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.    ³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version, ©2010)

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
 ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^{[a] 38} This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^{[b] 40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Home is Where Your Heart Is

It's dark, musty, and damp. Upstairs the sound of loud pop music filters through the ceiling. I can hear people talking and laughing. Everyone is drinking and most of them are drunk. At this point I am intoxicated myself. What I just heard sent me running scared into the basement. It's a dark corner and I'm crying. Huddled into a ball and sobbing like a child, rocking myself for comfort. I feel so hurt, so betrayed. Could what I have just heard be true?

Minutes earlier he was in the bathroom with a very attractive woman. They were in the bathroom, a loud clang, and then muffled giggling. What is happening? My mind immediately kicks into overdrive. Am I just being insecure and am I too drunk to analyze this situation correctly? The answer is yes, and yes.

Crying and crying, feeling foolish and asking to simply go home. I want to go home. Someone finds me in the corner and asks if I'm ok. No, I'm not ok. This isn't the life I wanted. What am I doing? Who are these people anyway? "I want to go home." He tells me I am home. He thinks I must be too drunk to realize where I am. I'm not. I just want my safe place. I call it home. I have no idea where home is, but I want to go there....

The sad truth is I've never had a safe place. Until now. I am finally home. And I love it here.

You are LOVED!

This morning God put it on my heart to share this wonderful message of His love for you. He wants every person to know how special each one of us really is, and I think the following letter did a terrific job of capturing bible scripture in one succinct message. My hope is that you would read this with an open heart and mind and allow this amazing love to become your reality!

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

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